You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Randomize
