Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
