girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
It's official drugs can't kill me
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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