Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
