Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
