you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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