My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
