thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize