I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
