Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Randomize
