i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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