she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
