dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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