OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
