ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Randomize
