man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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