On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
