You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
