Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
