I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Randomize
