I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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