$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
