Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
