Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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