Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
