If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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