My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
