so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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