Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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