he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
