My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I forgot wine drunk hurts
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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