woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize