I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
