She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
