Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
