His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Randomize
