I accidentally burped into my bong.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
