how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I understand Curling. That high.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
