just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize