I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
