I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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