If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
