The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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