whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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