You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
