do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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