I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
