Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
