i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
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