you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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