One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
