I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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