She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
