He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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