fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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