I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
