So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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