a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
