pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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