I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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