She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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