What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
she looked like the before picture.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
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