The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
